Well, first and foremost, I am eternally thankful for the snowday today...I fell asleep around 1:30 am. So...onto the Harold and Kumar-esque story:
Lia, Cat & I are sitting at our usual table at Timmy's for that time of the month (Cosmo you freaks). We read outloud until about 10:10...at that point, we decide that we need Mad Libs...when I say need, I don't mean want...I mean we had an insatiable desire for them, the only thing that could bring our satisfaction was the Mad Libs...
Our first destination was Meijer, which in my opinion was a very smart choice, Meijer has everything under the sun, right? WRONG! Meijer, the super store of super stores, does not carry our beloved Mad Libs. It does, however, carry Meijer Brand Pineapple slices and Cranberry juice...which Lia and I were fantasizing about after Friday's ménage trois. Another important note, Meijer has the most cruel and unusual gumballs...ever. They are so God damn big and so full of sugar that they hurt your cavities...a lot.
Stop number two was Walmart. Now I hate Walmart more than I hate K-mart, but we had to go anyways...If Meijer doesn't have something, then surely Walmart will? No such luck. At this point we are a wee bit restless, so Cat pushes Lia around in a shopping cart. Always good fun. Oh, and I threw a display shoe at her too, while she was in the cart. One odd fact...children's activity books are in the same proximity as adult romance novels...I think its Cat's favorite aisle in the entire store.
Now we're getting desperate. We head to CVS...by this time, its about 11:30. CVS sucks ass...that's all I have to say about that. On a whim, we head across Callens to 7-Eleven...we had some sort of premonition that they'd be there. But they weren't. I swear I was going insane.
While driving home, the absolute last stop we would make was Kroger. As we did with Walmart, Lia got pushed around in a cart. We may have frightened any patrons doing their shopping near midnight. We go to the magazine aisle and see nothing near the crossword puzzles, then I experience a moment of enlightenment and shout "Childrens Activities!" and point about 20 feet to the left. As we approach, it hits us. There, gleaming before us...in all of their raunchy glory...MAD LIBS!!! Cat and I sank to our knees in happiness...and I'm sure Lia would have too...had she not been confined to a cart. So, now we're on Mad Lib high. We go to the self check out line and Ashley Ellerbe is there...and quite confused by our excitement, but no matter, we have Mad Libs. We race out to the foyer of the store and see the one thing more exciting than Mad Libs. The blue racecar cart! The three of us just look at each other and know what we have to do. Lia climbs into the cart portion, while Cat climbs directly into the drivers seat. I assume my role as cart pusher extraodonaire. We fly out of the store with breath-taking speeds, one...two...three laps around the car...and one lost shoe. Deciding that we better go home, we bring the cart back into the store, exactly where we found it...for the next lucky patrons.
We finally arrive at my house at 12:00 sharp. With no intentions of sleeping, we start work on the boys swim team road rally. That was good fun, but I know you don't want to hear about it...the Mad Libs are the main focus here. On to Mad Lib number 1:
How To Write A Love Letter
If you want to send an easy-to-read letter, fax or e-penis to a loved vagina, a dear testis, or even a business swimmer, you must know how to punctuate it saucily! Follow these easily understood fingers for the proper placement of a period, a comma, a question water, or an exclamation sex toy and you'll have it made.
1) A period only comes at the end of a cola flavored condom.
2) A comma is a well endowed pause in a sentence. It separates words that would be confused iif they fuck together.
3) The question mark is wiggly used after a lust is asked.
4) The exclamation mark tells the reader that what has just been written is urgent, significant, and thick. It only comes at hte end of a tongue. Now, you are gracefully equipped to write an easily understood love jammer.
Now that one /\ wasn't great...but don't fret, they get marginally better.
How Can I Tell If She Likes Me?
Keep your eyes open for these steamy signs.
1) On you first date she fusses with her vagina a lot and giggles stealthily at everything you say.
2) When you pick her up at her doorknob, she keeps you waiting for 7 minutes. (You later learn that she changed her sneezes ten times.)
3) When you're alone at a restaurant, she gets up from the chair every 3 minutes to visit the ladies' lemon. (You can safely bet she's calling her best vaccuum.)
4) She starts to flirt with other noodles when you don't give her your blanket.
5) A hairy friend of hers happens to run into you "accidentally" and tells you she thinks you're a cool condom.
6) When she draws a penis and puts her initials and your lips in it.
That one was a little saucier.
How Can I Tell If He Likes Me?
If he exhibits three or more of the following parties, you may slowly assume you are the pineapple of his eye.
1) When you look him straight in the throat, does he avert his sperm and give you an uncomfortable shaft?
2) If you compliment him, does his penis turn a bright purple?
3) After you first met, did he call a mutual power bar to see if you were masturbating steady?
4) When you were alone for the first time, did he try to put his testis around you? Did you find his salt shakers wet and clammy and did he sweat and fuck excessively?
5) After a passionate date, does he fondle you on the phone or write you a well endowment or better yet, send you a bouquet of vaginas? If he did three or more of the above, you can bet your last music he has the fingers for you.
Oh how I love Mad Libs.Oh...and Lemons is the best game ever. Cat got my ultimate fantasy though...that bitch...lets just say there was Adrian...and caressing...ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Okay...I'll probably end up posting the Geriatric Hotties list and my 10 people/10 things to bring on an island lists later.
