Sunday, February 27, 2005


Oy vey...swimming is over...forever. *sob*...But yesterday was so damn fun! The meet was good, we won by a lot! And Mr. Kirsten came...I love him. Oh, and when I was announcing for the awards, instead of saying 10th place, I said 10th grade...the whole audience laughed at me, but it was okay, cuz I was laughing too. The road rally was fun...but the guys finished in about 20 minutes! We should have given them about 25 questions instead of 12...John Thelen got pulled over within 5 minutes of starting, but I don't think he got in to trouble. Cat and I got to stay at the pool until about 9:30 and hang out with the guys, so we drove Telly and Megan home and then we went back to the pool in super stealth mode and pulled James Bond moves around the pool...we were trying to catch a glimpse of some naked water polo...but I guess they didn't play. We got back to my house and I swear we fell asleep an hour and a half later...we're pathetic. I'm too tired to type anymore...I'll blog later.

Friday, February 25, 2005

I'm an MIP

Okay, so yesterday before work, I go to Outback Steakhouse to get a gift basket that they were making for the swim team...and in it I found a Fosters! That's Australian for Beer! Holy Crap! I called Cat and was freaking out on the phone for like 7 minutes! And then she told coach that I was a MIP and he said that if I got pulled over to tell them that it was his. He's such a mom. But thats why we love him. I just gave the beer to Liz from work...I think she's over 21.

I LOVE PAUL VANDERDONC!!! He's working for me on Sunday @ 6:15! Yay!

Oh...and I love Corey and Adrian. I gave them mucho back rubs today. I'm such a nerd... Oh, and we had an ingenius water fight at the pool and Cat slipped on the ice...and I accidentally groped her nether regions. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT...I swear...She was trying to push me into the water and I grabbed what was closest behind me...and it happened to be her...Don't make me say it. "THAT'S WHERE I KEEP MY VAGINA!" Okay...I think I'm done blogging...I can't concentrate. I have fricken ADD. I don't want swim season to end...EVER.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

What the crap?

Okay...I can't fricking eat without throwing up now. I got up this morning and ate breakfast...and then my mom heard me throwing it up and wouldn't let me go to school. I still have to go to work though because I can't call in twice in a row...that would fuck them up greatly. Oy vey. On a high note...If I don't eat anything, I don't puke, so I can control it! Oh, and I stopped by Nu-B's Pizzeria and got 3 $10 gift certificates. I'm being stealthy right now and using the computer while my mom isn't home. I'll talk to you guys later. Bubbye.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Top Ten people/things to bring to a tropical island

Let's be clear here...this island is MINE! And it is sexy...and lets just say that there is a pre-existing building to sleep in.People:
1. Cat
2. Lia
3. Adrian
4. Corey
5. Derek Jones
6. Dex
7. Megan
8. Nicole
9. Brad Pitt
10. Trevor

1. A semi truck full of tampons
2. A never ending supply of pineapple marinated in cranberry juice
3. A dune buggy
4. A mountain bike
5. A laptop
6. Snap off pants
7. One of those water trampoline things
8. A deck of cards
9. A gynormous hot tub
10. Jet skis

Monday, February 21, 2005

Geriatric Hotties

Here they are in no particular order:
1. Patrick Swayze
2. Brad Pitt
3. Johnny Depp
4. John Travolta
5. Kevin Bacon
6. Mel Gibson
7. Luke Wilson
8. Vin Diesel
9. Harrison Ford
10. Hugh Grant
11. Hugh Jackman
12. Eric McCormick
13. Keanu Reeves
14. Antonio Banderas
15. Matthew McConaughey
16. Al Pacino
17. Colin Firth
18. William Sadler
19. Ty Pennington
20. Tom Hanks

We had to veto Wayne Brady...Luke Wilson is just sexier.

Well, first and foremost, I am eternally thankful for the snowday today...I fell asleep around 1:30 am. So...onto the Harold and Kumar-esque story:

Lia, Cat & I are sitting at our usual table at Timmy's for that time of the month (Cosmo you freaks). We read outloud until about that point, we decide that we need Mad Libs...when I say need, I don't mean want...I mean we had an insatiable desire for them, the only thing that could bring our satisfaction was the Mad Libs...

Our first destination was Meijer, which in my opinion was a very smart choice, Meijer has everything under the sun, right? WRONG! Meijer, the super store of super stores, does not carry our beloved Mad Libs. It does, however, carry Meijer Brand Pineapple slices and Cranberry juice...which Lia and I were fantasizing about after Friday's ménage trois. Another important note, Meijer has the most cruel and unusual gumballs...ever. They are so God damn big and so full of sugar that they hurt your cavities...a lot.

Stop number two was Walmart. Now I hate Walmart more than I hate K-mart, but we had to go anyways...If Meijer doesn't have something, then surely Walmart will? No such luck. At this point we are a wee bit restless, so Cat pushes Lia around in a shopping cart. Always good fun. Oh, and I threw a display shoe at her too, while she was in the cart. One odd fact...children's activity books are in the same proximity as adult romance novels...I think its Cat's favorite aisle in the entire store.

Now we're getting desperate. We head to this time, its about 11:30. CVS sucks ass...that's all I have to say about that. On a whim, we head across Callens to 7-Eleven...we had some sort of premonition that they'd be there. But they weren't. I swear I was going insane.

While driving home, the absolute last stop we would make was Kroger. As we did with Walmart, Lia got pushed around in a cart. We may have frightened any patrons doing their shopping near midnight. We go to the magazine aisle and see nothing near the crossword puzzles, then I experience a moment of enlightenment and shout "Childrens Activities!" and point about 20 feet to the left. As we approach, it hits us. There, gleaming before all of their raunchy glory...MAD LIBS!!! Cat and I sank to our knees in happiness...and I'm sure Lia would have too...had she not been confined to a cart. So, now we're on Mad Lib high. We go to the self check out line and Ashley Ellerbe is there...and quite confused by our excitement, but no matter, we have Mad Libs. We race out to the foyer of the store and see the one thing more exciting than Mad Libs. The blue racecar cart! The three of us just look at each other and know what we have to do. Lia climbs into the cart portion, while Cat climbs directly into the drivers seat. I assume my role as cart pusher extraodonaire. We fly out of the store with breath-taking speeds, one...two...three laps around the car...and one lost shoe. Deciding that we better go home, we bring the cart back into the store, exactly where we found it...for the next lucky patrons.

We finally arrive at my house at 12:00 sharp. With no intentions of sleeping, we start work on the boys swim team road rally. That was good fun, but I know you don't want to hear about it...the Mad Libs are the main focus here. On to Mad Lib number 1:

How To Write A Love Letter

If you want to send an easy-to-read letter, fax or e-penis to a loved vagina, a dear testis, or even a business swimmer, you must know how to punctuate it saucily! Follow these easily understood fingers for the proper placement of a period, a comma, a question water, or an exclamation sex toy and you'll have it made.
1) A period only comes at the end of a cola flavored condom.
2) A comma is a well endowed pause in a sentence. It separates words that would be confused iif they fuck together.
3) The question mark is wiggly used after a lust is asked.
4) The exclamation mark tells the reader that what has just been written is urgent, significant, and thick. It only comes at hte end of a tongue. Now, you are gracefully equipped to write an easily understood love jammer.

Now that one /\ wasn't great...but don't fret, they get marginally better.

How Can I Tell If She Likes Me?

Keep your eyes open for these steamy signs.
1) On you first date she fusses with her vagina a lot and giggles stealthily at everything you say.
2) When you pick her up at her doorknob, she keeps you waiting for 7 minutes. (You later learn that she changed her sneezes ten times.)
3) When you're alone at a restaurant, she gets up from the chair every 3 minutes to visit the ladies' lemon. (You can safely bet she's calling her best vaccuum.)
4) She starts to flirt with other noodles when you don't give her your blanket.
5) A hairy friend of hers happens to run into you "accidentally" and tells you she thinks you're a cool condom.
6) When she draws a penis and puts her initials and your lips in it.

That one was a little saucier.

How Can I Tell If He Likes Me?

If he exhibits three or more of the following parties, you may slowly assume you are the pineapple of his eye.
1) When you look him straight in the throat, does he avert his sperm and give you an uncomfortable shaft?
2) If you compliment him, does his penis turn a bright purple?
3) After you first met, did he call a mutual power bar to see if you were masturbating steady?
4) When you were alone for the first time, did he try to put his testis around you? Did you find his salt shakers wet and clammy and did he sweat and fuck excessively?
5) After a passionate date, does he fondle you on the phone or write you a well endowment or better yet, send you a bouquet of vaginas? If he did three or more of the above, you can bet your last music he has the fingers for you.

Oh how I love Mad Libs.Oh...and Lemons is the best game ever. Cat got my ultimate fantasy though...that bitch...lets just say there was Adrian...and caressing...ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Okay...I'll probably end up posting the Geriatric Hotties list and my 10 people/10 things to bring on an island lists later.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

I'll have to post about the Harold and Kumar-esque adventure we had last night, after I get home from work, right now, I have to do my homework...but I will leave you with some quotes for now:
From Our Menage Trois on Friday:
1. Girls don't have balls -- Lia
2. I'm gonna go to sleep and think about my incestual lover -- Cat
3. If I knew we weren't getting out, I'd do it till we died -- Cat
4. I'm worried about him and the worst he could be doing is having gay sex with Jake -- Lia
5. I've been holding my thumb for two hours and I don't wanna let go -- Cat
6. You had one in front and one in back, didn't you? -- Cat to Lia
7. I'll say hello to his little friend -- Cat

From Last Nights...Well, You Know:
1. So there's a window...Jump bitch -- Me to Cat
2. My boob is flat, that's why I'm depressed -- Me

I swear, I will post my ass off tonight...I'm talking longest post ever...We've got Mad-Libs and Lemons and Road Rallies and...woot...It'll be good.Laters.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Miso f-ing excited!!!!!

OMG!! I get uberously excited for the dumbest reasons, but I don't care. This morning my mom reserved the FOP lodge for my graduation party! The FOP lodge kicks ass. Woot. I'm so f-ing excited right now...when you didn't think I could get any nerdier, my mom and I are making a list of who it invite...its so....YAY. Okay...I'll shut up now.Laters mi amigas.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

So, we went and saw the movie Boogeyman... Crazy suOh...and I graciously take your hand was asleep for a little while after the movie last night. That movie was super fucked up. It wasn't so much that it was a good movie, but I enjoy being freaked out a little...apparently so does Cat, before we even went to the movie, she swore that she was going to attack me out of fear during the movie. Oy vey...but it was tres fun...and thank you, I'm aware that I am the entire peanut gallery during movies.

Well, right now, I'm sitting here blogging, eating a hot pocket in my pajamas and slippers, with my hair in an unbelievably messy bun and my glasses askew with Woody sitting at my feet. Today, I think I will reorganize my bedroom...its getting boring again. I guess I'll go up to the pool a little early today, I don't know if I can go a whole 24 hours without being at my real home. Woot. I am über pathetic...but I love the pool.

Gee whiz, speaking of the pool, Cat and I are gonna die in just over one week...Leagues are at our pool and we get the distinction of running the God-awful computers...It's gonna be one interesting meet, is it not?

Oh...last night, Lia, as promised, called as soon as she got home and both of us were pretty freaked out by that movie...and then I konked out 45 minutes later...I can't believe I actually fell asleep...It's a miracle...Maybe its because we weren't three-waying with Cat and she wasn't trying to frighten me to my very core *insert angry smiley face here*.

Did I metion that I cut my pinky finger on butter at work? Yep...I've reached a new low. Actually, the new low that I have reached was last night at work, just minutes before we were released from the shackles...I mean, just minutes before we punched out. I was going to help someone clean off their carts in the cart room and we have these swinging doors and they lock at the top, so you can't really tell if their locked or not unless you are looking up...So anyways, I'm walking towards the doors to go into the cart room and CRASH! I walked directly into the locked doors and hit my face...Hard. And then I started giggling incessantly and everyone in the kitchen knew what I did. So, for the last five minutes of the night, all I heard was people making fun of me about the butter incident and the door.

Okay, I think this post is sufficiently long...Now I'm talking to Cat and its just too hard for me to do more than one thing at a time. BUBBYE!!!

Hide the children...bring out the swimmers...the quotes have landed!

So, how long has it been since I did quotes?...I know its been a long while...Cat inspired me to do more though, she printed out all of the quotes that we've done! Yay...I have some goods swimmer quotes harvested from tonights excursion. More of that later.

Before the meet, Cat, Adrian (...he's a boy...) & I got into a bit of a water fight and somehow I became locked in the little changing room within the boys changing room with Adrian, so I put an ice cube down his shirt. It was fricken hilarious. And Sarah had the nerve to show up at the meet...I don't think anyone talked to her. Oh...and I'm tres proud of Cat for staying strong and not talking to her. The GD swim meet got canceled due to a power outage that turned off the pump thingie. So, we had the senior night celebration for a little while. I think I freaked out Dex, for some reason quite unknown to me, I acted like I was going to kiss was pretty funny. Then he left to have mad, passionate, Canadian sex with Jake. Maybe they'll do a little snowboarding while they are there...if they ever get out of bed that is.

Cat, Lia and I decided to go to Timmy's to hang out for a while, since we had hours to kill before we needed to be home...pretty soon, half of the swim team decided to come...PARTY AT TIMMY'S!!! It was good fun. But now, on to the quotes:

1. Feel it on the way out -- Lia
2. You have a penis? -- Corey to Lia
3. This jacket just melts my butter -- Corey
4. I don't want a wet kisss -- Cat to Lia
5. Don't say that with my head in your lap -- Cat to me
6. Do you want to see something that will make you feel better about yourself? -- Lia to Adrian
7. It wasn't wet, it was just a willy -- me
8. I was saving myself for Sam -- Megan
9. I'd do it to Catherine -- Megan
10. Is my foot between your legs? -- Cat to Lia
11. I spooned with Andrea -- Megan

Monday, February 14, 2005

I'm feeling the love

Apparently someone wants to publish one of my blog posts in their book...woot! It's the one titled 'Sex In School Restrooms = Unhygienic'...I'm feeling uber special.


Okay...I heart the snow day...or whatever the hell day we had today. Lia and I went shopping at Target for a while and got some shampoo and conditioner that came with a free fm radio...what a weird thing to come with shampoo. Oh, and I got the best movie of all time 'Kate & Leopold'. I love that movie so much...and I got another copy of 'Bend It Like Beckham' because mine is broken beyond repair. Oy vey...Taxes suck ass. My dad turns into mucho retard around tax time. He doesn't understand life, I swear. I have gynormous amounts of homework to do, so bubbye for now. Oh, and I'm on an über nerd bender, I've been watching 'Star Wars' for the last couple of nights...I know, I'm a sexy beast when I want to.

Friday, February 11, 2005

The Infamous Ms. Wyss

Okay, I had heard about this video, but didn't believe that it really existed until now...I found the video of Ms. Wyss on Jimmy Kimmel...on a dating segment...woot. Its emotionally disturbing. You have to copy this address onto the address bar though...and I don't know why:

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Oh, and by the way

I guess I made Cat laugh while she was eating a rice krispy treat and someone (Lia, Cat or I) pulled the zipper on my fleecie and she spat a rice krispy on my boob.

Laying on the floor in her sneakers, underwear and tanktop...LAUGHING HER ASS OFF

OH MY GOD!!! snap pants are way too much fun for Cat, Lia and I. First they depantsed me in the conference room full of people...thankfully I ran towards the wall without being seen...So then I'm out for revenge...Cat is running away from me an subsequently crashes into a closed door and sits down in fear of her in one or two good pulls I pulled them completely off and ran down the hall with them...Cat was laying on the floor in her sneakers, underwear and tank top laughing her ass off...It was the highlight of my life.

Monday, February 7, 2005

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm watching Comedy Central with my mom and this guy was talking about his wife getting her toenails done and she doesn't have the baby toenails so they painted the skin on her baby toe to make it look like she had them!! Is it pathetic that I do the exact same thing?

I heart Green Day

Miso excited! I just ordered the Green Day CD with Good Riddance on it! Its the "I hope you have the time of your life" song. WOOT!! I fell in love with that song when Joey Russell and his friend sang the acoustic version of it at the talent show...and the CD cost me a total of $ I don't feel like I'm spending money that I don't have. Oh Cat...You better post! Or else...I'll tell all about your "(insert person here) with benefits" Okay, I'm not that mean...Or am I?

Tuesday, February 1, 2005

things that swim team managers forget...

> Not every guy is an underwear model
> It is not appropriate to grab every ass that you see
> Boners don't occur that often
> The pool is not your home
> Just because they flirt doesn't mean the don't have a girlfriend
> Not everyone appreciates the occasional boob poke (Cat needs to be reminded often)
> Swimmers can be assholes - ie, Kevin Wood

My topless dress

Yeah, I was trying to tell my mom that I found an awesome strapless dress, but I kept calling it topless instead. Woot! Cat and I had quite a trip to the mall...the stupid JC Penney place doesn't have layaway or 24 hour holding on formal wear, so my mom and I went back and got it. And we got some buttons! The weiner button is sexy. Cat, I'm so proud of grew some muchos huevos. Okay, I love you all, but I cannot think of anything else to blog about.

Okay, I thought of something else...Megan (upat...duh) thinks that my brother is gay...he made me a cd and its not so masculine, so...yeah, she put it in her journal that my brother is a homosexual. Bubbye.